Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
