In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
