Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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