I'm really into asian looking animals
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Everclear isn't food dammit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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