I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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