Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
