Even the bartender felt bad for me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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