I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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