WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
