i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
