dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
