I love black thongs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize