there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize