I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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