its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
