my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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