Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So apparently I’m into choking now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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