My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
