I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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