Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize