...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
