the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize