OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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