I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
