1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So drunk its hurt
my being single is dangerous.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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