Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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