remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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