Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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