you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize