i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sobbing to NWA
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
