fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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