i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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