The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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