did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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