I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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