i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
