my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
