WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sorry my hands just texted you
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
