I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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