I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
