pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
