im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
