He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
