So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
