He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
