very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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