I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
