good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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