then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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