so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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