shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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