there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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