Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize