so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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