I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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